I was 15, riding with church friends to find clues to find a big pumpkin. It was the Youth groups annual 'Pumpkin hunt'. Our city was scrambling with giggling teenagers, racing to get to the next clue. I remember peeling off tiny pieces of paper from strange places like a door handle of a business building or a huge rock in the middle of a parking lot. It was exciting and when we figured out the riddle of each clue which led to where the next clue was, we were so excited. One year, our team lagged far behind and we just gave up and played 'Chinese stoplight' the whole night. Our laughter was uncontrollable as we raced the red light, each of us darted out of the car, running in circles with hearts pounding then making a quick dash inside right before it turned green. Those were times I wouldn't mind reliving. I am finding that my life is like one big pumpkin hunt, with clues to figure out along the way and sometimes the clues are hard to make out. And then there are those clues that are so obvious, but I hardly have the guts to face them. Like this big one that I am about to write about that fourteen minutes ago I had an epiphany about. I didn't realize how much I was afraid of love and intimacy. I think the reason will come after my initial light bulb experience, in which I am just stating the hard, cold, just-realized fact...I guess that's all I can take at the moment. Second, I was always afraid of men. Every close friend I had, especially my best friend in junior high, was sexually molested. And I have always wondered how come I was left unscathed. All these fears that have made me paralyzed to break away from this protective bubble of distancing myself away from the world of men, are about to be contended with. Every bit of me is willing and waiting to tell what it knows to bring light to a story that always seemed dim and blurred. But today or this very late night rather, clarity has made its raw entrance, ready to spill the beans and I only have to expect more epiphanies and understanding and well, some tears too. Because I guess I am coming to terms with my imperfect self and discovering that it's ok to not be perfect. Wow, God must have been waiting for this moment because I believe, He really does want me to get it. It just takes a little bit of surrendering each day to let Him show and reveal stuff. This journey that I am attempting with no planning and very unexpected, will take me to places I never been and as you may be surprised to read this, so will have I. As my words may flow ridiculously right now, it's difficult to muster the truth. It's funny, because some people may think, what's the big deal, just tell the truth, what's so hard about that?? Well if you lived my life, everything is hard about that. I escaped to other places in my mind growing up. I wanted to get away from the violent emotions and the hard looks at home. My father was a quiet guy with lots of stuff on his mind. I guess negative things because from the looks of it back then, I remember him coming home to himself and just tired to talk. And that was ok with me because he was there and I was doing my thing over there. There was no talk between us most of the time, but when he did talk we knew it.